When people have close relationships with their children and grandchildren, everyone benefits. Young children and teenagers need healthy relationships with multiple adults in order to develop appropriate coping mechanisms, among other skills.[1] Parents need a supportive community around them when dealing with the daily stresses of balancing childrearing and working.
Older people need those relationships too. Those who are close with their children and grandchildren are happier and healthier too.
These relationships aren’t always easy, though. Generational differences come with challenges, and the gap between grandparents and grandchildren is a wide one. Successfully bridging the gap is possible – if you do the work.
Here are some ways to become an even better grandparent:
- Set Boundaries – and Keep Them. Children – whether they are truly children or adult children – have a tendency to take advantage of their parents. But if you don’t want to be the default babysitter, don’t allow that to happen. Make sure your children understand what you’re willing to do and what you won’t do, and stand by that.
- Follow Their Rules. Every grandparent wants to spoil their grandchildren. But if the parents don’t allow candy or screen time after supper, don’t offer it. Many parents have redlines, and it’s not your job to cross it. Instead, offer support and fun in acceptable ways, such as helping with baby’s bath time, supporting older kids with homework or simply sharing a good book together.
- Spend Quality Time. Buying presents will never be more important than spending time with your grandchild. The best part is, spending time doesn’t need to mean spending money. A video chat works well with older children as well as younger children, especially if you live far away, and a visit to a local park does too. Another way is through sharing activities you love, whether it’s a nature walk or volunteering at the local food bank.
- Be Supportive. Whether it’s your child or your grandchild who is struggling, being there for them in a nonjudgmental way is always the right way to go. Life can be hard sometimes, and your children and grandchildren may just need a safe place to let go. To build a strong relationship, strive to truly listen, offer an empathetic word and give advice only when it’s requested.
- Stay Out of It. If your child is fighting with their children, don’t get stuck in the middle. You can be supportive by listening to each party, but you aren’t there to arbitrate. Respond with empathy and understanding, but don’t take sides. Parents and children don’t always agree, but taking sides alienates and angers at least one side, and it doesn’t teach children to work out differences with their parents.
- Trust Them. You raised your kids, so they have a good chance of being a good parent themselves. Allow them to make the choices you wouldn’t make, without comment or criticism. They won’t ruin your grandchildren. Allow them to make their own way and figure things out on their own. Even more, compliment them to offer support and bolster their confidence.
- Love Them. Everyone needs love and support. Just by showing up, listening and offering a kind word, you demonstrate your love and care. And that is the greatest gift of all.
[1] Canadian Paediatric Society, “Relationships matter: How clinicians can support positive parenting in the early years,” July 25, 2019.